Always on my mind, forever in my heart
For a long time saying that “She is proud” was just something, I was saying to get by. In the back of my mind after saying it, I would question it. Like is she really proud? Was I making the right decisions or what would she say if I did this or that? But after so long I can finally say it and truly know that deep down in my heart she is proud of me.I want to dedicate this post to my mom who I lost at a young age. If you haven’t read my earlier post about the things I had to endured, I think you should. I promise you-you will not regret it. Though I will be talking about my mother, I’ll give you some of the ways I’ve been able to grieve over the loss of her and hopefully it helps you in some sort of way.
Going down memory lane
Growing up with my mom being around was everything to me. I remember the early morning getting ready for day care, the long walks to the hair salon and the random moments she would cook and have the entire neighborhood come over for a plate. She loved me and took care of me the best way she knew how. When my mother got, sick, she played it off. It isn’t until now I am able to look back and notice the signs of her being sick because for a long time I thought she was ok. As the only child in the house, everyone just kept telling me she was sick but little did I know my mom was diagnosed with AIDS.
One this day 14yrs ago we received the call about the passing of my mother I heard my sister screaming and crying. She called me into the room and said: “Estimen Mouri”(In creole) basically my mom had pass. I thought it was a lie because just a few days before I was on the phone with her and she kept telling me everything was going to be ok. Months went by, and I still didn’t believe she was gone. I just knew one day she was going to come back and get me. Well, that didn’t happen…. It did not hit me until I was getting beat for something, and I started to cry, but I wasn’t crying because I was getting beat I was crying because my mother was gone. I then went and locked myself into the bathroom sat on the floor and cried for hours.
I sat there with millions and millions of questions running through my mind like:
Why did she leave me?
Why isn’t anyone telling me how she died?
God, why me?
God, what did I do?
God, how am I going to get passed this?
God, I don’t understand…
It was harder than I thought my life was not getting easier. I would cry every Mother’s Day, whenever I seen my friend’s run to their mothers when they were being pick up from school, and I cried every single night and replay the times spent with her.
The healing process
To be completely honest at that age so much was happening every year that I was not healing properly. I was constantly taking punches after punches without my bruises getting healed. Everyone healing processes is different, and though now I am able to cope with it I still have my days where I’ll cry when I think about her or just get sad because I want hug from her, little things like that still happens, but I must say it has gotten better.
Here are a few things I have done to heal:
Sometimes the thoughts in my mind can become so overpowering that I would feel like I could not breathe. So one way for me to get everything out I would write. I wrote a letter to God every single day just so that I could get the thoughts out of my head.
God is my go to. Just know that If nobody is going to listen God will. There were times I was mad and frustrated with him, but no matter how upset I was, or how much I doubted him he was right by my side.
- Accept it
I had to accept the fact that she was gone and that everything was going to be ok.
In John 16:20 it said, “You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.”
Lets be real “Everything is easier said than done.” Of course, in the beginning, it will be hard to believe that grief will turn into joy because for me that was the last thing on my mind, but that is why you have to have faith during the process and trust that God will turn that grief into joy.
Before I end this post, I do want to say that it is ok to cry no one will understand the pain you are feeling until they have experienced it themselves. But do not allow what happen to overshadow your life because if anything that mother or loved one you have lost wants you to do the things that they couldn’t do. They want you to be better than who they were, and most importantly they want you to be happy.
Sincerely, I know you are proud.